Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Note to Self...
If children have the ability to ignore all odds and percentages, then maybe we can all learn from them. When you think about it, what other choice is there but to hope? We have two options, medically and emotionally: give up, or fight like hell. ~Lance Armstrong
I am fighting against becoming someone I'm not - someone who is afraid that when they wake up, there will be a new hurt to deal with; someone who doesn't want to leave the house for fear that they will become sick in public; someone who scrutinizes every twinge and pain for a sign that something is wrong.
Cancer is a betrayal by our bodies - and carcinoid cancer is long-term betrayal. Although carcinoid malignancy rates are widely debated in the medical community, many estimate that it takes on average 3-5 years for a neuroendocrine tumor to reach 2cm. My tumor was 3cm, so it must have eluded detection for years - maybe even a decade. How can I trust my body anymore to, as Spike Lee would say, "do the right thing"? I guess the answer is, I can't - none of us can. All we can do is try our best at prevention and healthy living, and hope that the doctors and medical field continue to make advances in early detection and treatment.
However, while I may have limited control over my physical well-being, I have complete control over my psychological and spiritual well-being. I truly believe that happiness is a choice, and not something that just happens to us. I can choose to face the day with fear or with fervor; with weakness or with strength. Lately, I've let my emotions drift from the safety and joy of the "now" to unfounded future anxieties and scary memories of the past. Today, I'm going to have ice-cream and go for a walk, and smile because I know that simply breathing means - anything is possible.