15 Things

Birthday Wish for Myself

I have been neglecting things.

My writing, my students, my friends, my family - they have all managed to slip just beyond my outstretched fingertips...

I wish I could  tell you why. But I can't.

Sometimes I feel like I hear a kitchen timer in my heart, ticking down the days - hours - seconds until my next surgery (which has been scheduled for July), or my next MRI or CT or TVU - or any other medical acronym that brings with it paper gowns and poisoned injections.

My baby sister is becoming a doctor. She has finished 2 years of medical school and is studying for the boards. Tomorrow, her big sister turns 38 and I'm still sick.

I wish I could be positive. But I can't.

Sometimes you grow tired of having to see "the bright side" of things all the time, and just want people to let you sit quietly alone in the rain. Teachers and cancer survivors don't really get to have bad days ...  people tend to look to them for reassurances that their own lives will turn out fine. It's a role I'm usually very proud of, and pretty good at... but not lately.

I know that it is important to actually go through things - not just around them. Guess I'm just trying to get through things the best I know how.

Joseph Campbell said "Life is without meaning. You bring meaning to it. The meaning of life is whatever you ascribe it to be. Being alive is the meaning." The fact that I can take a breath on my 38th birthday is in some ways the biggest testament to my life and it's meaning. So my wish for myself is to breath a little more deeply and little more peacefully in the future.

2 Year Anniversary

"When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something's suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful." - Bloom

Friday, April 27, was the two year anniversary of my cancer diagnosis. I always hear people talk about cancer as a "journey" - but ultimately it is one walked alone. I remember trying to decide whether I should have my hemicolectomy surgery at the NJ Cancer Center or at Sloan Kettering. It was agonizing, and the only topic of family discussions for a solid two weeks.

Finally, my mom took me aside and said, "You know that you have our love and support, and we can keep going over the pros and cons of each center for as long as you need - but ultimately, when you are lying on that table, it's going to be just you and the doctor; nobody else. You can't doubt your choice."

My younger body was riddled with scars. Most of them are now more than 20 years old, and have faded so much that they are barely noticeable to the naked eye...  reduced to an existence sitting on a shelf in the hazy halls of dark memories. Once in a while, I find myself wandering those halls - remembering cigarette burns and black eyes - and marvel at my tenacity for finding a way out. I've never been ashamed of my past, nor have I ever felt sorry for myself... it is simply part of my life's story; nothing more, nothing less.

Now my body has a new scar. It's a strange alien like thumbprint above my bellybutton - where they put the surgical port in that took half my intestines and lymph nodes out. It's a reminder of how my body was taken from me for a while. I still haven't gotten it all back, but I'm making progress.

I'm eating, running outside, and even took my first spin class in 3 years. My body is starting to look healthy again - except for that alien scar. To an outsider, the scar may not seem like much - but for me, it has some strange mystical power ... making me forget the strength I once had. As Humpty Dumpty told Alice, when it comes down to it, the question is: which is to be the master - the cancer or me - that's all.

Home from China

We got back from China on Sunday. 

I couldn't post while I was overseas because blogger - like many other social media sites - is blocked by the Chinese government. I really want to share some of my incredible experiences, but quite frankly I'm too darn tired. (I'm still adjusting to a 12 hour time difference.)  For now, I'll  just post a few of my pictures in order to preview some future posts on the history, cuisine and culture of China.

We saw such historical structures as The Great Wall (above) and Terracotta Warriors.

We were able to sample some traditionally authentic Chinese food - jellyfish and all.

We also got to chuckle at some of the extraordinarily awkward translations... like this one - a donation box at the airport labelled: "Shanghai Workers Foundation for Assisting the Difficult" 

Zaoshang Hao

Good morning from Newark Int Airport! Gary and I are about to embark on the adventure of a lifetime - 11 days in China.We have already hit a few minor snags:

* On Monday Gary found out that he needed a root canal or his tooth might explode in-flight. He got some emergency work done yesterday.

* We got to the airport and Gary had no seat. That's since been resolved.

* I had a minor setback with my walking pneumonia, but the steroids seem to be keeping it under control.

But otherwise we seem pretty ready: we put travel notices on our bank and credit cards; got a charger and dissolving caffeine strips (coffee isn't common where we are going); and saw our doctor who prescribed antibiotics in case we get sick.

We also exchanged $140 for 800 Yuan.

Next stop Beijing.

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