Sunday, May 20, 2012

15 Things

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Birthday Wish for Myself

I have been neglecting things.

My writing, my students, my friends, my family - they have all managed to slip just beyond my outstretched fingertips...

I wish I could  tell you why. But I can't.

Sometimes I feel like I hear a kitchen timer in my heart, ticking down the days - hours - seconds until my next surgery (which has been scheduled for July), or my next MRI or CT or TVU - or any other medical acronym that brings with it paper gowns and poisoned injections.

My baby sister is becoming a doctor. She has finished 2 years of medical school and is studying for the boards. Tomorrow, her big sister turns 38 and I'm still sick.

I wish I could be positive. But I can't.

Sometimes you grow tired of having to see "the bright side" of things all the time, and just want people to let you sit quietly alone in the rain. Teachers and cancer survivors don't really get to have bad days ...  people tend to look to them for reassurances that their own lives will turn out fine. It's a role I'm usually very proud of, and pretty good at... but not lately.

I know that it is important to actually go through things - not just around them. Guess I'm just trying to get through things the best I know how.

Joseph Campbell said "Life is without meaning. You bring meaning to it. The meaning of life is whatever you ascribe it to be. Being alive is the meaning." The fact that I can take a breath on my 38th birthday is in some ways the biggest testament to my life and it's meaning. So my wish for myself is to breath a little more deeply and little more peacefully in the future.