Fashion Forward

"Fashion is not something that exists in dresses only. Fashion is in the sky, in the street, fashion has to do with ideas, the way we live, what is happening" - Coco Chanel

 

I've lost weight. Usually every woman would turn green with envy at that statement... but not when it's part of a "constellation of weird symptoms" of an unknown illness. It's been hard to be independent because of the pain, and it's even harder to drag yourself out of your apartment when literally you have nothing to wear.

Enter two of my amazing students - Cody and Sam - who were both in my 12th grade World Literature Honors course last year. Last week, they became my personal shoppers for the day. We ravaged "Forever 21" as they grabbed dozens of clothes from the racks, and then stood patiently outside the dressing room as I tried on dress, after dress, after dress. We got some good finds, and then I treated them to a post-shopping dinner at California Pizza Kitchen.

Chipotle Chicken Pizza: spicy chipotle sauce, chicken, mild chilies, mozzarella and enchilado cheese - topped with roasted corn, black bean salsa, cilantro and lime cream sauce. GENIUS!

The day made me feel "normal" again...  as my friend Joe told me, "You gotta get out in the world... you can't just feel like an ugly pair of shoes shoved in the back of the closet." Just picking out some clothes for the upcoming school year, and doling out relationship advice to my girls, made me feel more determined than ever to get well enough to return to teaching this fall.

When I was in Sloan Kettering for the week after surgery, I participated in a patient "make over" by "Look Good... Feel Better", which is an organization dedicated to helping women with cancer feel better about their physical appearance. Their philosophy is simple: a woman's self-esteem is ravaged by disease, and by helping women feel better about how they look, patients feel more hopeful in all aspects of their fight. This may at first sound vain, but there is real science behind it supporting the organization's mission. My little mall make-over did exactly that for me - made me more hopeful.

So a special thank you to my girls for not only helping me feel better about how I look, but for also helping boost my determination that I will be able to get back to doing what I love most - helping my students in their own journeys - using literature as a vehicle for self exploration.

Starting Over

My friend Mike took me for an epic bowl of seafood pasta at Biggies Clam Bar in NJ 
(My friends are making sure I keep my weight up ... Lost 15 lbs in last 2 months)

Firstly, thank you all so much for the emails and concern. I haven't been updating my blog because it seemed as if there was just too much to say...

I was in the hospital 5 times in July - four ER trips and one scheduled surgery. After the last blog, Rob (aka Batman) and I ended up going down to Robert Wood Johnson ER - and there we at least got a few answers.

As I was having a pain spike - the medical resident recognized it immediately:

"Have you ever had a charlie-horse?" The young doctor asked. (um ... I played competitive soccer so yea)

"Sure" I replied.

"Well you're having intestinal spasms - it's like a charlie-horse in your intestines" he explained.

While he was able to identify the issue he had no idea as to its cause.

He put me on Bentyl and Valium and the pain is under control. I saw a GI specialist who ordered more tests, and I see a top Internist tomorrow to try to figure out all the non-carcinoid related symptoms I've been having (pain, bruising, exhaustion, weight loss, weakness, low grade fevers, muscle spasms - I even developed thrush a couple weeks ago).

On top of all of this Gary - my partner of 5 years - and I separated, and I moved into my own studio in June. So I find myself back at the start - in all aspects if life.

I feel like an unwelcome visitor in my own body, and my new place doesn't feel like home yet - despite the heroic efforts of my amazing friends, and countless trips to IKEA.

On a positive note, my surgery (uterine polypectomy) went very well, and we are confident the biopsy will come back just fine. It's the mystery of why I'm still so sick that's the lurking ghost.

They estimate that I had Carcinoid Cancer for 5-6 years - the last year is when it broke through the appendix and was "accidentally" found during another surgery - and initially diagnosed as recurring appendicitis. I love looking at the MRI and CT reports that were done 2 weeks before they found the 3 cm tumor. Both reports say "appendix appears unremarkable". Luckily for me, my surgeon thought differently.

As Dr. Kulke (Carcinoid expert) told us - the "good news" is if my cancer has metastasized in my blood - which can't ever be ruled out - "it will eventually present itself" ie there will be more tumors.

But now there's a new unknown. How many years before this medical mystery is solved?

Carcinoid is rare, and nobody - not even doctors, really understand its true nature... But at least I had a name for what I thought was shutting my body down. Now, there's just more unanswered questions. I'm hoping tomorrow's doctor visit will bring us closer to some answers. I just need to keep moving forward.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Advice from West Point Grad (my dad)

"In the infantry it was always about improving your position. You didn't need to win the next day - you just had to be in a better position than you were the day before ...

We all live in a world of uncertainty - yours is just a lot more uncertain than most." - dad



1975 - Army Base in Washington

Visiting Hemingway's House in Key West

Hemingway drank and wrote about whales; Ginsberg tripped and wrote about God. Same thing.